As mentioned in the first takeaway, love is a choice. The warm and fuzzy high of the “falling in love” experience eventually fizzles out, but that’s completely normal. To keep your partner’s Love Tank full, it becomes imperative to CHOOSE to love them in the way they most like to be loved. Not the way YOU prefer to be loved — the way SHE likes to be loved.

That’s where the five love languages come in! Although we may identify with all five to some degree, everybody has a primary love language that stands above the rest. Below is a short summary of each.

Words of Affirmation. This one involves using words to lift your partner up. For somebody with this love language, verbal compliments, encouraging statements, and words of appreciation dramatically fill their Love Tank. They need your acknowledgement, reassurance, and positive reinforcement on a very regular basis. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes to fully understand her, then look to encourage and compliment her at every opportunity. Acknowledge and apologize to her when you mess up. Above all, use your words to make sure she always feels special and appreciated by you. You can really amplify your impact by finding creative, unexpected ways to show your appreciation: text her positive words when she’s having a tough day or at random times, leave sticky notes around the house, surprise her with a thoughtful hand-written card or letter. The key here is to be genuine and only say things you truly mean. 

Quality Time. This one is all about spending quality time with your partner. That doesn’t mean sitting on the coach and watching a show with her; it means putting away your distracting devices and giving her the gift of your undivided attention. Listen to her intently and seek to understand her thoughts and feelings by asking good questions about what she’s telling you. Go on a walk with her. Have a meal with her. Do activities that SHE wants to do. That is quality time for somebody with this love language. Good listening skills are critical here. If you can’t stop and listen at the moment, say something like, “I know you’re trying to talk to me and I’m interested, but I want to give you my full attention. I can’t do that right now, but if you can give me 10 minutes to finish this, I’ll sit down and listen to you.” When you make someone feel like nothing else in the world matters more than the conversation you’re having with them in that moment, that’s when you are giving them quality time.

Receiving Gifts. For someone with this primary love language, nothing makes them feel more loved than receiving a thoughtful gift from you. Cost is irrelevant; it’s the thought and effort behind your gesture that makes them feel loved. You have to be thinking of someone to give them a gift, so the gift itself becomes a symbol of that thought — an expression of love. Observe your partner and get inside her head. Listen to her. Doing these things will give you some clues about gifts she might want or appreciate. Write your ideas down. As with Words of Affirmation, sending gifts at random, unexpected moments amplifies the impact you can make. People love small, thoughtful, unexpected gifts and gestures that come out of the blue — and a person with this love language appreciates them even more. Order her something she mentioned a few weeks ago, send her a DoorDash snack, buy her a gift that aligns with an inside joke you share — the possibilities are endless. And don’t look at it as money wasted; these gifts are investments in your relationship and filling your partner’s Love Tank. 

Acts of Service. This love language is all about doing nice things for your partner, particularly when they are least expecting it. Sensing a theme here? With most of these five love languages, your impact is magnified when you execute them at unexpected times. Why? Unexpected acts of love show your partner that you care and were thinking of them. When it comes to Acts of Service, we’re talking about routine things like cooking meals, doing the laundry, taking out the trash, cleaning the dishes or house, making the bed . . . the list goes on and on. Again, the actual service isn’t all that important for somebody with this primary love language; it’s the thought behind it that matters to them. Acts of Service is all about doing things for your partner. 

Physical Touch. Holding hands, kissing, hugging, grabbing ass, cuddling, back rubs, and sexual intercourse are all ways we express the love language of Physical Touch. A person with this primary love language needs these love touches from their partner on a daily basis. They feel love through touch, and it’s up to you as the partner to find fun ways to make physical contact throughout the day.

While I agree with Chapman’s premise that all of us have a single dominant love language, I also believe that executing all five of these is key to maintaining a good relationship with your partner and keeping her Love Tank full. Spend the most amount of time on her primary love language, but also look for opportunities to sprinkle in the others. Your goal should be to shower your partner with love, and incorporating all five of these into your relationship will accomplish that.