Leadership and Self-Deception

The Arbinger Institute

📚 GENRE: Business & Finance 

📃 PAGES: 240

✅ COMPLETED: November 4, 2023

🧐 RATING: ⭐⭐⭐

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Short Summary

A big part of effective leadership is being able to take accountability and treat people as people, not objects or pawns in a game. In Leadership and Self-Deception, the Arbinger Institute delivers the keys to “getting out of the box,” helping readers become stronger leaders. 

Key Takeaways

1️⃣ See People As People, Not Objects — The key to great leadership is being able to empathize and see things from the perspective of the other person. See people as people, not as objects. Every person you come in contact with is real. They have real feelings, real problems, and real insecurities. The moment you start to view people as objects is the moment you lose any hope of building a connection with them, inspiring them, and leading them. You have to see people as people. Make it a habit to put yourself in another person’s shoes and see things from his or her perspective. 

2️⃣ We, Not Me — Individual commitment to a group effort — that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work. When you focus on yourself instead of results, you begin to form bad habits, like blaming your coworkers and managers for things and feeling sorry for yourself when things don’t go your way. None of that is productive, and it will only alienate you from the group. 

3️⃣ Take Accountability — You are 100% responsible for your life and what happens to you. Not your manager. Not your neighbor. Not the government. YOU. You are responsible for what happens to you, and it’s up to you to make changes if certain things (e.g. relationships with others, unhappy about job, etc.) aren’t going the way you want them to. Do not blame people for things; it only produces defensiveness and resentment from the other party. 

Favorite Quote

“As we've been talking about, no matter what we're doing on the outside, people respond primarily to how we're feeling about them on the inside.”

Book Notes 📑

Preface

  • Self-Deception — Self-deception, and its negative impact on leadership, is the main idea of this book. At its core, self-deception is the constant blaming of other people and other things for our problems. It’s the opposite of taking accountability. Leadership is about making things, and people, better. That’s an impossible mission, however, when you’re constantly blaming others for your problems. This book is about learning to spot and beat self-deception. 
  • The Arbinger Institute — Arbinger was founded in 1979. Since then, it has worked with thousands of individuals and organizations and helped them to transform their effectiveness and performance. The institute is now recognized as a world-leader in improving organizational culture and conflict resolution.

Part 1: Self-Deception and the "Box"

  • The Problem — Self-deception is so destructive because, when someone is being fooled by it, they can’t see the problem. They aren’t aware that they have a problem. They either blame other things or other people, or they just simply have no clue that they are causing issues with their behavior. The person isn’t able to see things from the perspective of other people.
    • Quote (P. 16): “Identify someone with a problem and you’ll be identifying someone who resists the suggestion that he has a problem. That’s self-deception — the inability to see that one has a problem. Of all the problems in organizations, it’s the most common — and the most damaging.”
  • Intent Matters — People can feel whether or not you are genuinely interested in them. Asking people about their interests and family life doesn’t matter if you’re doing it half-heartedly and for the wrong reasons. You need to be genuinely interested in them. There needs to be genuine intent behind everything you do, because people will sense when you’re doing something that you don’t really mean.
    • Quote (P. 24): “Think about it — we can tell how other people feel about us, and it’s to that that we respond.”  
    • Quote (P. 25): “When you’re going out of your way to do all those things for Leon so that he’ll know you have an interest in him, what are you most interested in — him or his opinion of you?”
    • Quote (P. 26): “My words said ‘I’m sorry,’ but my feelings didn’t, and it was the way I was feeling — revealed as it was through my voice, my gaze, my posture, my level of interest in her needs, and so on — it was that that she responded to.”
    • Quote (P. 31): “As we’ve been talking about, no matter what we’re doing on the outside, people respond primarily to how we’re feeling about them on the inside.”
      • Takeaway — Are you genuine or not? People can sense when you genuinely mean what you’re doing on the outside. 
  • See People As People, Not Objects — The key to great leadership is being able to empathize and see things from the perspective of the other person. See people as people, not as objects. Every person you come in contact with is real. They have real feelings, real problems, and real insecurities. The moment you start to view people as objects is the moment you lose any hope of building a connection with them, inspiring them, and leading them. You have to see people as people. Make it a habit to put yourself in another person’s shoes and see things from his or her perspective.
    • Quote (P. 47): “So regarding hard behavior, here’s the choice: We can be hard and invite productivity and commitment, or we can be hard and invite resistance and ill will. The choice isn’t to be hard or not, it’s to be in the box or not.”
      • Takeaway — When you treat people as people, not objects, you are able to deliver hard criticism more effectively. People can sense when you are seeing them as a person and not an object. When that’s the case, they respond better to your leadership, even if you’re delivering tough love. You will begin to generate resistance and ill will if you view people as objects. 
  • Remember Names — Commit yourself to learning, and remembering, everyone’s name. That means something to people, especially if you are in a position of leadership. Everybody you meet wants to feel valued, important, and special, and you can bring out those feelings by learning and remembering names. 
  • Honest Self-Assessment — Most people lack self-awareness; they don’t have a good sense of what they are good and bad at, where they need to improve, and how their words, actions, and behavior are coming off to other people. Being able to take an honest look in the mirror and recognize where you need to get better is a gift, and it’s a common trait in all great leaders. Evaluate yourself every day. Where can you get better? How are your actions, words, and behavior coming off to other people? How can you make better use of your time? How is your attitude being perceived by others? Are you making the impact you want to make? Ask yourself these questions daily and take the necessary steps to make positive changes. 
  • Chapter Takeaway — You need to always treat people as people, not as objects or pawns in a game. People have real feelings and real ambitions. There needs to be genuine intent behind your words and actions. People can sense when that intent is there and when it’s not. Never do or say things just for show. 

Part 2: How We Get IN the Box

  • Self-Betrayal — When you have a thought or feeling telling you to help or assist someone and you don’t do it, you have betrayed yourself. When you betray yourself, you start seeing things differently — your view of yourself, others, your circumstances; it’s all distorted in a way that makes you feel OK about what you’re doing. In other words, you begin to justify your actions by hyping up your own ego while thinking negatively about the other people involved in the situation. Self-betrayal is where a lot of leadership issues begin. 
  • Take 100% Accountability — A lot of the issues discussed in this book (e.g. self-deception, self-betrayal) come down to simply not taking accountability for your life, your thoughts, and your actions. You have to hold yourself to a high standard, and recognize when you haven’t met the mark. Other books have also talked about this — no matter the situation, do not blame others for what has happened to you. You are 100% responsible for what happens to you in your life. YOU. Not your annoying neighbor. Not your difficult coworker. You are responsible for what happens to you, and it’s up to you to make changes if certain things (e.g. relationships with others, unhappy about job, etc.) aren’t going the way you want them to.  
  • Don’t Play the Blame Game — Similar to the point above about accountability, never blame someone else for something, even if it’s justified and they deserve it. About 99% of people in life do not blame themselves for anything (almost nobody takes accountability), so blaming someone for something will only make them defensive and agitated. They will get mad at you for blaming them, and it just becomes an unproductive cycle of blame. Rather than blame someone for something, put your energy toward finding a solution of some sort. Again, don’t blame people for things; even if it’s justified, it’s only going to make them defensive and upset, and it’s not going to be productive. 
  • Blaming Invites More of the Same — Blaming people for something is also detrimental because it only encourages more of the same behavior. This is especially prevalent in kids and teenagers. When you scold and blame a teenager for staying out late, he’s only going to resent you AND rebel against you by staying out late more often. Bottom line: blaming people for things is never a good option. 
  • Chapter Takeaway — Don’t blame people! Even if it’s justified, you’re only causing more issues for yourself when you play the blame game, because nobody blames themselves for anything. Focus on solutions instead. 

Part 3: How We Get OUT of the Box

  • Empathize — One of the big keys to leadership and having a good attitude toward other people is to always put yourself in their shoes. See things from their perspective. When you do that, it instantly puts you in the mode of seeing them as humans and not objects, which is one of the big keys to leadership and one of the important takeaways from this book. 
  • We, Not Me — When you’re part of a team or a company, your job is to help the team or company and the people within it achieve results. Take your ego out of it. You run into issues the moment you start focusing on yourself instead of results for your customers/clients. When you focus on yourself instead of results, you begin to form bad habits, like blaming your coworkers and managers for things and feeling sorry for yourself when things don’t go your way. None of that is productive, and it will only alienate you from the group. 
  • Chapter Takeaway — When you’re part of a team your focus should be on results, not yourself. Take your ego out of the equation; there’s no room for it and it will only cause you problems with people.