How to Win Friends and Influence People

Dale Carnegie

📚 GENRE: Personal Development

📃 PAGES: 320

✅ COMPLETED: August 3, 2018

🧐 RATING: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

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Short Summary

Dale Carnegie delivers time-tested personal and business guidance in a book that has sold over 15 million copies globally. Carnegie teaches essential leadership techniques, including the art of empathy, thoughtfulness, and motivation. 

Key Takeaways

1️⃣ Empathize — Practice the art of seeing things from another person’s point of view. When you do this, you’re able to understand where they’re coming from and how they might be feeling. This skill can help you in so many different ways.

2️⃣ Be Thoughtful — If you care about someone, show it with your words and actions. Always be thinking of other people and how you can help them in some way. Go the extra mile to show people you care. It’s worth it. Look to make another person’s day. 

3️⃣ Don’t Blame People — The truth is, very few people blame themselves for anything, even if they really are to blame. Rather than blaming or criticizing a person for something, it’s much more constructive to look for a solution and work from there. Criticism and blame will do nothing but start an argument and prevent both of you from moving forward. 

Favorite Quote

"If you get one thing from this book, let it be this — see things from the other person’s view. What would drive them to do something you want? How might they be feeling?"

Book Notes 📑

Chapter 1

  • 85% of success is due to skill in human engineering — personality and the ability to lead people.
  • Dale Carnegie did a lot of research for this book. He read over 100 biographies on Theodore Roosevelt alone.
  • Most people do not take blame for anything, even if they are clearly in the wrong. 
    • They deflect and blame anybody or anything else rather than take accountability. 
    • Rather than take accountability, they attempt to justify their actions.
    • Most people will not criticize themselves for anything.
  • Don’t blame or criticize people for their actions because they won’t accept blame.
    • Criticism is pointless because it puts people on the defensive, hurts their pride, and encourages resentment.
    • By criticizing people, they’ll just resent you, even if they are clearly wrong.
    • Ex. A construction manager criticized his workers for not wearing their hardhats. This just fueled resentment and the workers took the hardhats off anyway after the manager left. The next time, the manager asked if there was something wrong with the hardhats, and reminded them that the hats were designed to protect. The workers began to slowly wear their hardhats after that.
  • When people are criticized, they get angry. They try to deflect and justify their actions, then direct the resentment towards you.
    • It’s just not worth it to blame people for things, even if they do deserve it. 
      • You’re better off trying to find a solution. 
  • Abraham Lincoln at first blamed people and ridiculed people. After an incident that almost got him killed, he stopped doing it forever.
  • Rather than criticize others, try to calm down and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. 
    • Try to understand their actions. Empathize. 
  • When dealing with people, you are dealing with creatures of emotion, not logic. 
    • People are prideful and can be sensitive when you do anything that slights their pride. 
  • Be understanding and forgiving of people. It takes character and self-control.
    • Ex. Bob Hoover once had the wrong jet fuel put into his plane by a mechanic. They crashed the plane, but everybody survived. Hoover, instead of scolding the mechanic, put his arm around him and said, “to make sure you never do that again, I want you to service my jet tomorrow.”

Chapter 2

  • The only way to get somebody to do something is if you get them to WANT to do it.
  • Everything people do is fueled by two factors:
    1. The sex urge 
    2. The desire to feel important
  • Most people love to be complimented and appreciated. 
    • It makes them feel important.
  • Imagine the impact you can make by showing honest appreciation in the real world?
    • It’s important that the appreciation is honest. It should not be made up at all. But if you feel appreciative of something somebody did, let them know about it.
  • Show encouragement. Show appreciation.
  • Many people complain when it is warranted, but say nothing when showing appreciation is warranted.
    • Try to be the opposite — show appreciation to people when warranted and don’t complain and blame.
  • Don’t be excessive with your appreciation. 
    • Again, it needs to be truly honest appreciation. If you truly appreciated what a person did, let them know.
  • Appreciation is unselfish — you actually mean what you say.
    • Flattery is fake. It is easy to pick up on.
  • Stop thinking about you all the time. Think about others and what they are doing well. Appreciate whatever that may be.

Chapter 3

  • Don’t talk about what you want. Nobody cares and they are all consumed thinking about what they want anyway.
  • Talk to others about what they want. Help them get it.
    • This is how you can get people to do things — you show them how doing what you need them to get done will help them get what they want.
    • Ex. As a parent, don’t tell kids that you don’t want them to smoke. Instead tell them that by smoking, they might not make their basketball team.
  • Everything you do, or others do, is done because you wanted something.
    • Before trying to get somebody to do something, ask yourself what you can do to make them want to do it.
  • Quote: “One of the biggest secrets to successful social skills is to get the other person’s point of view, and then see the situation from their point of view, as well as your own”
  • People are concerned with getting what they want. The person that is willing to serve is big.
  • Quote: “If you get one thing from this book, let it be this — see things from the other person’s view. What would drive them to do something you want? How might they be feeling?”
    • Put yourself in another person’s shoes! Very important to always remember this. 

Chapter 4

  • Be interested in other people. Do not try to get others interested in you.
    • Focus on the other person. What do they like to do? What’s going on with them?
      • Most people are only interested in themselves, so if you talk to them about their interests, they will take a liking to you. 
  • Do nice things for other people. Do unselfish and thoughtful things for people.
    • Always be thoughtful. Make it something that differentiates you from other people. 
  • Use a cheerful, enthusiastic tone of voice. This helps you show that you are interested in the other person.
  • People become interested in you after you show interest in them first.
  • Be thoughtful. Think about others.

Chapter 5

  • Smile at people. A smile can be very powerful.
    • If you don’t feel like smiling, just smile. It will make you cheerful because body language has a huge impact on mood. 
      • Action and feeling go together.
  • Happiness is never dependent on outside conditions. It’s internal.
    • Control your thoughts. Happiness is an attitude.
    • It’s all about how you think.
  • Quote: “There is nothing good or bad. Just what you make of it.”
  • Quote: “People are as happy as they decide to be.” — Abraham Lincoln
  • Keep your mind focused on who you want to be and what you want to have.
    • Picture it. Visualize it. Your mind will take you there.
    • We become what our heart is fixed on. 

Chapter 6

  • Remember names and use them frequently when you talk to people.
    • You show people you care when you remember and use their name.

Chapter 7

  • Listen closely. Practice active listening.
    • Put all of your attention on the speaker.
    • Try not to let your mind wander and drift off about what you are going to say next. Instead, focus on listening intently.
  • Don’t talk a lot. People are most interested in themselves. 
    • Encourage them to talk about themselves.

Chapter 8

  • Talk about the things the other person likes and enjoys.
    • If possible, read up ahead of time on something the other person is interested in. That way you can talk about it with them.

Chapter 9

  • Always make the other person feel important. This is a golden rule.
    • Again, people like appreciation and they like to feel important.
  • When requesting something from someone, us the following language — “Sorry to trouble you, do you mind…”

Chapter 10

  • Avoid arguments. Usually after an argument, both sides feel more than ever that they were correct initially. 
  • You can’t win an argument.
    • Even if you do ‘win,’ you make the other person feel inferior. 
      • You’ve hurt their pride and they will just resent you. They will also feel the same way about their initial point.
  • You’re very unlikely to change a person’s mind, even if you are right. 

Chapter 11

  • You are not right all of the time. Nobody is!
  • Don’t tell people they are wrong. It’s not going to change their mind, it will just make them mad.
  • If you know, or think, someone is wrong about something, say the following:
    • “I may be wrong, but… <state opinion>”
      • This is a substitute for telling people they are wrong and it is far less controversial.
  • When you tell someone they are wrong, they cling to anything that will justify their position. They will not admit they are wrong.
    • You can help the other person see that they are wrong, but angrily telling people they are wrong is not going to work.
      • Ex. Ben Franklin was really smart and loved to tell people they were wrong, but eventually he changed his ways because he was not very popular.
  • Show respect for other people’s opinions.

Chapter 12

  • If you are wrong, admit it. Own it. 
  • When you admit you are wrong when you were actually wrong, it is funny how people will then blame themselves in some small way. 
  • If you are wrong, tell the people who will be upset about it BEFORE they tell you were wrong.
  • People respect it when you admit that you’re wrong, if you are indeed wrong.

Chapter 13

  • Kindness and friendliness can make people change their minds much easier than coming at them with anger.

Chapter 14

  • Find common interests and talk about this with people, especially when first meeting them.

Chapter 15

  • Talk less about yourself and talk more about the other person.

Chapter 16

  • People like to think they came up with a plan or idea. 
    • Ask people for their ideas.
    • Let people feel like something was their idea.

Chapter 17

  • Remember that people may be completely wrong, but they don’t think that.
  • There is a reason that people think and act the way they do. Figure this out and connect to it, and you can connect with them.
    • Put yourself in their place.
  • Success with other people comes down to understanding and sympathizing with another person’s point of view.
  • Consider other people’s viewpoint as valuable as your own.

Chapter 22

  • If you have to criticize somebody, start by praising them for something good they did. Then get into the feedback.

Chapter 24

  • Before criticizing someone, admit that you make mistakes too.
    • Nobody is perfect. 

Chapter 25

  • Instead of demanding things, use the following language:
    • “You might consider this…”
    • “Do you think this would work…”
    • “What do you think of this…”
    • “Maybe if we phrase it this way… it would be better”
    • Ex. “Who’s car is in the driveway? Move it now!” Vs. “Who’s car is in the driveway? If you don’t mind moving it, other people will be able to move their cars around.”
  • Ask questions when giving orders so other people feel like they are involved in the order.
    • Ex. “I think we should do it this way… What do you think? Do you agree?”

Chapter 26

  • Rather than publicly criticize somebody, do it behind closed doors. 
    • Nobody likes to be publicly ridiculed or criticized. That feels terrible. 
      • Instead, pull the person aside and explain what you’re thinking. Deliver your feedback privately. 

Chapter 27

  • Praise people for even the smallest improvements.
  • Try to always see the positive in people. Praise their improvements rather than condemn them.
    • Point out the specific improvement when complementing people. General praise comes off as fake. Be as detailed as possible.
    • Always be specific when praising or complimenting people.

Chapter 30

  • Effective leaders follow these guidelines when asking people for help:
    1. Be sincere. Do not promise something you can’t deliver. Focus on the benefits for the other person.
    2. Know exactly what you want the other person to do.
    3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what the other person really wants.
    4. Consider the benefits the other person will receive after doing your request.
    5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
    6. When making your request, put it in a way that is clear how she he or she will benefit.