How to Have Confidence and Power in Dealing With People

Les Giblin

📚 GENRE: Personal Development

📃 PAGES: 204

✅ COMPLETED: March 29, 2020

🧐 RATING: ⭐⭐⭐

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Short Summary

Les Giblin delivers a communication and leadership manual designed to help readers work with others effectively. Giblin take a deep look at various communication concepts, including active listening, body language, energy, attitude, and cooperation.

Key Takeaways

1️⃣ Bring the Energy — Your attitude and energy is what people pick up on the most when talking to you. If you have a bad attitude or are unconfident going into a conversation, the person on the other side will notice it. Be intentional with your conversations — bring the right attitude and energy depending on the situation.

2️⃣ Listen Closely — Most people do not listen very well. It’s easy to let the mind wander and not pay full attention to what somebody else is telling you. Try to be fully present and engaged in conversations. Listen closely and focus. Make it a habit. 

3️⃣ Get Cooperation — People don’t really like being told that they “have” to do something. It’s more effective to instead ask for a person’s opinion on something. When you do that, they’re more likely to help you find a solution.

Favorite Quote

"Negative talk and negative opinions give a bad impression."

Book Notes 📑

Chapter 1

  • Everybody wants something from other people.
    • The boss wants loyalty and hard work from employees.
    • Employees want recognition and appreciation from the boss.
    • Parents want obedience from children.
    • Etc.
  • No human being is self-sufficient: We all need things that others have to offer.
    • Conversely, we have things that other people need.
  • The three basic methods of dealing with other people:
    1. Take what you need by force (obviously not good)
    2. Begging (also not good)
    3. Operate on basis of fair exchange
      • You give others what they need and you get back what you need.
  • Confidence comes from knowing what you’re doing.
    • Ex. The car mechanic that tries to fix the engine on a vehicle he doesn’t understand. His movements are hesitant and unsure. Alternatively, a great mechanic who understands the engine moves with confidence and decisiveness.
  • Understanding human nature and basic principles of human behavior will give you confidence.
    • It’s all about understanding why people do what they do.

Chapter 2

  • Everybody wants two things in life:
    1. Success
    2. Happiness
    • To achieve these two things, you have to be able to deal with other people.
  • Personality — Ability to interest and serve other people
  • Successful people have “a way” with others. They’ve mastered the art of dealing with other people.
  • Success in human relations comes down to mastering general principles. You need to know what to do and why you’re doing it.

Chapter 3

  • Never trample on a person’s ego. They will always defend it, along with their pride and their decisions.
  • At the end of the day, we all care about ourselves more than anything else. 
    • This is natural and it’s just important to always keep in mind. It explains a lot. 
  • Every person you meet wants to feel important. Every person seeks approval. This is how we’re wired. 
  • We are all ego focused:
    • It’s only when our ego is at least partially satisfied that we can think about others.
    • Only the person who likes himself can be generous and friendly with others.
  • First Law of Human Relations — People act, or don’t act, to feed their ego. 

Chapter 4

  • Everybody wants to feel important. Make people feel important.
  • Our own opinions of ourselves are largely based on the real, or perceived, opinions of others about us.
    • This is why doing little things that make people feel important is so key.
  • Give credit where credit is due. If somebody deserves credit, give it to them genuinely.
  • Ask people about their opinion on a topic or problem. People like to be included.
  • Three ways to make people feel important:
      1. Be interested in others. Ask questions about them.
      2. Notice other people. Acknowledge people.
      • Notice and point out changes that people have made. It shows you’re paying attention.
      1. Don’t brag about yourself. Never make people feel small.
      • Don’t bicker with people.

Chapter 5

  • People will mirror your actions and attitudes towards them.
    • Soften your voice when dealing with a potentially angry person.
    • Speak with enthusiasm to generate enthusiasm from others.
      • Ex. Steve Ballmer
    • Act confident to generate confidence from others
      • Have complete self-belief in yourself. Believe in your skills and talent.
  • People like those who know what they want and act as if it’s going to happen.
    • You can adopt this confident way. It’s a mindset and choice.
      • Believe in yourself!
  • Tone of voice is key to confidence. Speak with confidence and strength. 
    • Be aggressive!

Chapter 6

  • Be intentional with your conversations.
    • If you want the exchange to be fun, have that mindset going in.
    • If you want the exchange to be more serious, have that mindset going in.
    • Set the tone of the conversation by being intentional and prepared going into it.
  • Your opinion of yourself reflects outward to other people. It all starts with self-love.
  • Quote: “Negative talk and negative opinions give a bad impression.”
    • Don’t judge people and don’t speak bad about people.
  • People are more likely to say “yes” to you if you’re positive and upbeat. Be cheerful and have a positive attitude.

Chapter 7

  • The three ‘A’s’:
    1. Acceptance 
      • Allow people to be themselves. Accept them. Like them.
    2. Approval 
      • Finding something in the other person that you like.
      • Look for the good in people.
      • Compliment people on things you like that are not obvious to them.
    3. Appreciation 
      • Don’t keep people waiting. Respect people’s time.
      • Treat people as unique and special.
      • Do unique and different things to make people you care about feel special.

Chapter 8

  • When working with people, your attitude influences the other person’s attitude.
    • If you have the attitude that most people are friendly and want to be friendly towards you, the encounter will be good.
    • If you have the attitude that people aren’t friendly and won’t like you, the encounter will be bad.
  • Most people like conversations and camaraderie.
  • Smile!
    • Your emotions and feelings about the other person is what gets across to them. Love other people. This will come across to them.
      • People can instinctively pick up on your energy. This is why it’s really important to be in a good attitude and energy when talking or dealing with people. 
  • Our actions determine our feelings just as much as our feelings determine our actions.
    • You can’t feel pessimistic when you are smiling.
    • You can’t feel optimistic when you are frowning. 
    • Again, body language, mood, and attitude are so important. 

Chapter 9

  • Successful people are good talkers and conversationalist. This is a critical skill.
    • Have fun with it. Joke with people. Be loose. Be playful. 
    • Be confident. Speak with confidence. Visualize it and then do it. 
  • People are usually worried about saying something offensive or something stupid. 
    • It can be hard, but you have to take the filters off.
      • Stop trying to be perfect. Be yourself. Stop trying so hard.
        • All of this starts with self-love. When you love yourself, the opinions of other people don’t matter. You’re happy and content with yourself and who you are and nothing will shake that. 
  • Get the other person talking. Ask questions. Be interested in them. 
    • How, why, when? Ask questions hitting on these words to get the other person talking. Don’t ask closed-ended questions.
    • People care about themselves, naturally. They want to talk about themselves. 

Chapter 10

  • Listen very closely to people. Be a great listener.
    • When you listen closely, it makes people feel important.
    • When you listen closely, Elsa helps you ask follow-up questions.
    • When you listen closely, it helps you identify commonalities between the two of you.
    • When you listen closely, it helps you have ideas for the future to show them you care.
      • Ex. A person you care about says they like macaroons from a certain store. Later on, buy a macaroon and give it to them.
        • This makes a big impression. 
    • When you listen closely, this takes you out of your head and puts you in the present moment. This can help you be less anxious.
  • Most people do not listen very well. It’s somewhat of a rare skill.
    • By listening closely, you set yourself apart and make the person feel heard and important.
    • Listen for words, tone, etc. Try to really listen as best you can.
  • Again, listening takes the attention off of yourself and focuses it on the other person.
    • This, again, is huge in making you less self-conscious and anxious.
    • You can’t be self-conscious if you’re focused on listening closely.
  • Good analogy — The Dancer
    • Dance teachers tell students to listen to the music and not to think about their footwork too much. By focusing on the music, the dancer isn’t anxious about their footwork and can therefore let everything flow naturally. The footwork comes naturally and their timing and rhythm with the music is on point.
      • Same with conversation. If you’re in your head worried about what to say next, you can’t listen well. By listening well, you allow everything to flow naturally because you’re less anxious.
  • We worry too much about saying things that will impress other people. We therefore worry too much that what we say won’t meet the approval of the other person.
    • You just need to listen closely and respond naturally. Blurt it out.
  • Things to listen for. You need to know these things about the other person to deal with them well.
    • What the other person needs.
    • What the other person wants.
    • Who other people are.
  • Keys to effective listening:
    • Look at the other person
    • Appear interested (nod, smile, etc.)
    • Ask questions
    • Don’t interrupt. Encourage people to talk more.
    • Stick to the speaker’s subject
    • Repeat back to the person something they just said
      • Ex. “As you pointed out…”
      • Ex. “As you said…”

Chapter 11

  • You will never win an argument by attacking the other person’s ego or blaming them.
  • Threats and scare tactics will never work. These are horrible, horrible tactics.
  • People don’t react well to being lectured on what to do. People don’t like to be told they have to do something.
    • Ex. When dad tells me to get a haircut, I automatically feel the desire not to get a haircut.
    • You have to find a way to suggest an idea to have the chance of it being accepted by the other person.
  • Five keys to handling an argument:
      1. Don’t interrupt
      • “Is there anything else you want to add?”
      1. Pause before your answer
      • Slight pause. It shows you’re considering.
      1. Don’t insist on winning 100%
      • “Yes you’re right on that point, but…”
      1. Speak through the third person
      • “So and so said this (insert your point here)…”
      1. Let the other person save face
      • “I can see why you may have thought that…”

Chapter 12

  • How to get cooperation from people when asking them for help:
    1. Explain the situation or what you’re trying to do or what the problem is.
    2. Ask the person their opinion on it and if they have any thoughts on how to do it better.
      • By doing these two steps, you can get them engaged and interested. They’ll end up wanting to help you and they’ll give you their best effort.
      • This is so much more effective than just telling the other person what to do.
      • By doing this, you are asking for their suggestions and kind of challenging them. When they are asked in this way, they feel the problem is now partly theirs and they’ll help you resolve it. You make your problem their problem.
      • You make the other person feel important when you ask for their thoughts on something.
        • Ex. “How would you go about doing this?”
        • Ex. “What are your thoughts on this?”
        • Ex. “What would you do if you were me?”

Chapter 13

  • Praise people when warranted. Complement people. Give them credit when credit is due. 
    • It’s critical that your praise is genuine. Sincere compliments really do make the other person feel good.
      • This is because it lifts self-esteem.
      • People want approval.
    • Don’t just go out there and give compliments and praise to everyone.
  • Always thank people!
  • Always look for good things and other people and complement and praise those things when oriented.
    • When you give back to people and complement people unselfishly, it boosts your own level of happiness.
  • When you look for the good in others, it takes your mind off of yourself. It makes you less self-centered. 
    • Unhappy people are always critical and looking for faults. By taking the attitude of looking for the good in people, you put yourself in a loving state of mind.
  • Be specific with your praise and compliments. Don’t be vague.
    • When you’re detailed with your complement, it comes off as more genuine.
      • Bad — “Hey, great job on that project.”
      • Good — “Hey, great job on that project. I really thought you did a great job of leading the team and taking initiative. The way you organized everything and kept the team on track made a big impact. I enjoyed working with you on this.”

Chapter 14

 

  • Criticism is meant to help people be better and do the job better, not hurt ego.
    • You have to be careful with how you deliver the criticism. 
    • You’re ultimately trying to make the person better. There is a right and wrong way to deliver criticism. 
  • The 7 musts for criticism:
      1. Criticism must be made in privacy 
      2. Preface criticism with praise
      3. Make the criticism impersonal
      • Criticize the act or behavior, not the person.
        • Ex. “Joe, I know you can do better because of your high standards and how you’ve performed in the past…”
      1. Supply the answer
      • When you tell someone what they did was wrong, make sure to tell them how they could’ve done it better.
      1. Ask for cooperation, don’t demand it
      • Good — “Will you make these changes for me?”
      • Bad — “Go back and do it right this time.”
      • Also, say how making the changes will ultimately benefit them in the long run
        • Ex. “By doing it this way, you will…”
      1. Don’t bring up past mistakes
      2. Finish in a friendly fashion
      • Bury the issue. Pat the guy on the back. Encourage him.
      • Don’t leave tension in the air.

Chapter 15

  • Knowledge + Application = Success
    • Have a positive attitude, actively pursue knowledge, and apply what you’ve learned.