One of the main reasons we’re afraid to initiate tough conversations is that we simply don’t know how to navigate them. Most people aren’t sure how to present their thoughts in a structured and effective way, so they avoid difficult conversations altogether. As a result, lag time grows — and so do resentment and animosity. 

But the fact is, the healthiest and strongest relationships are ones in which all parties quickly and honestly discuss high-stakes, emotional, and controversial topics. This ability to talk openly about difficult issues and disagreements leads to much better relationships where problems are resolved right away.  

Below is a framework for leading difficult conversations, whether you’re approaching your boss about her leadership style or decisions you disagree with, talking with your partner about an issue in your relationship, holding somebody accountable for poor performance, or navigating some other difficult situation. The two key ingredients that make the structure work are confidence and humility.

Before the Conversation:

• • Focus on One Issue — Spend time thinking about the one issue that is bothering you most. What are you really wanting to address? What is frustrating you the most? Is it a one-time incident that happened, a pattern of poor behavior, or a deeper relationship issue such as a lack of trust, or respect? The main issue usually falls into one of these three buckets. Once you’ve identified the core problem, simplify it by summarizing it into one sentence.
  • Understand Your Story — We don’t just feel and act randomly. We tell ourselves a story based on things we’ve observed, and that story drives the way we feel and behave toward another person. The sequence is: See and Hear > Tell a Story > Feel > Act. Our story is our interpretation of what we’ve personally seen and heard, and it’s usually right. But it’s also possible we don’t have all the facts. Take some time to dissect the story you’re telling yourself. If a person’s decision and/or behavior truly don’t make sense to you and are causing you to label or villainize them, try asking yourself this question: Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing? This question forces you out of your story and into theirs. It challenges you to be more curious and empathetic. 
  • Look for Safety Issues and Build Safety — The best leaders and partners actively look for signs of brewing animosity and resentment. These usually appear in the form of Silence or Violence. See Takeaway No. 2 for more on these. Both are safety issues — signals that, for whatever reason, people don’t feel comfortable enough to give you their honest thoughts. When you notice either one occurring, you need to address it. To build an environment of safety, constantly show that you care about the person’s ideas and thoughts, and take an interest in them as a person. 

During the Conversation:

• • Build Safety — During the actual conversation itself, the first thing you want to do is create safety. You can do this in several ways:
    • Share Your Good Intent — Express that you care about the other person. Explain what you want out of the conversation, for both you and them. This lays the foundation for safety in the conversation.
    • Apologize When Appropriate — If you’ve messed up, own up and apologize. If not, skip. 
    • Contrast To Fix or Prevent Misunderstanding — Explain what you don’t intend or mean, then follow it by clarifying what you do intend or mean. Contrasting is really effective because it prevents the other person from misinterpreting your motives. It’s pivotal to do right off the bat because it delivers your purpose and helps prevent misunderstanding. This step is similar in some ways to Sharing Your Good Intent. An example: “I wanted to talk about how we’re managing our finances. I don’t want you to think that I don’t appreciate the time you’ve taken to keep our checking account balanced and up-to-date. I do appreciate it, and I know I certainly couldn’t have done nearly as well. I do, however, have some concerns with how we’re using the new online banking system.”
  • STATE Your Path — It’s entirely possible to speak your mind in a way that is both completely honest and perfectly respectful. To do it, use the following STATE structure:
    • Share Your Facts — No matter what point you’re trying to make, always begin with concrete examples and evidence of things you’ve seen, heard, or experienced. Why? Because facts are not controversial; they are facts. They can’t really be argued by the other side. Conclusions and opinions, on the other hand, can be more controversial. Facts lay the groundwork for the conclusions you will later share. An important note — make sure you’re sharing YOUR facts; don’t pretend to have ALL of the facts. 
    • Tell Your Story — First the facts, then the story. Here is where you share your story and conclusions based on the facts. Important note — as you share your story, explain it as a possible story, not as a proven fact. You are simply sharing your reasonable conclusions based on the examples and facts you’ve presented. Be confident and don’t apologize or water-down your message. Use statements like: “I’m beginning to conclude that . . .” or “I’m tempted to think . . .” or “I’m starting to feel like . . .” or “In my opinion, . . .” 
    • Ask for Others’ Paths — The key to succeeding in these tough conversations is to strike a blend of confidence and humility. We express our confidence by sharing our facts and conclusions. We demonstrate humility by then asking others to share their views. Here is where you invite the other party to share their perspective by posing open-ended questions like: “How do you see it?” or “Can you help me understand?” or “What’s your perspective on it?” 
    • Talk Tentatively — Talking tentatively means telling your story as an interpretation rather than disguising it as a hard fact. This is important because if you use a tone that paints your conclusions as facts, the other person is much more likely to resist and become defensive rather than consider them. Avoid speaking in absolute or overstated terms — again, this decreases your influence. Ironically, the more tentatively you talk, the more often people become open to your opinions. The examples under Ask for Others’ Paths are perfect. Now, talking tentatively does not mean being wimpy. You still need to be strong and unapologetic for sharing your perspective. Your facts and examples help with this.
    • Encourage Testing — This goes hand-in-hand with Ask for Others’ Paths. When you ask others for their perspective, do it in a way that makes it very clear that you genuinely want to hear their honest thoughts, no matter how much they might differ from yours. You want people to open up, not close down. The tone and phrasing you use when asking for the other person’s thoughts is tremendously important in accomplishing that. 

Ending the Conversation:

• • Move to Action — Many tough conversations end without any real action steps being established. Because expectations and next steps weren’t clarified, ideas tend to slip away and dissipate, or people are unclear on what to do going forward. It’s critical to decide what’s going to happen next before ending the discussion. What is going to change as a result of this conversation? To answer this question, both parties need to either make a decision about the core issue discussed or make some kind of commitment to change. Otherwise, the whole conversation was for nothing and the same issues will continue. Steps to help with this:
    • Summarize for Understanding — Briefly recap the key points of the conversation
    • Identify an Action or Commitment — Pinpoint specific action steps or commitments moving forward
    • Make a Plan for Follow Up — Communicate that you will be following up to ensure progress is being made and changes are actually happening